Monthly Archives: May 2014

Taxes, User Fees, and a Bold New Idea

Taxes are BAD.  Never mind that they pay for a civilized society.  Never mind that without them life as we know and like would not exist.  Taxes are BAD, instruments of the Devil, unAmerican, and are always proposed by Liberals and opposed by Conservatives.  Just what they’re trying to conserve is beyond the scope of this blog.

User fees are GOOD.  User fees are in the great spirit of Capitalism, the system loved by Conservatives and loathed by Liberals who would take away our freedoms by taxing us.  User fees are not taxes, but are a charge for service, much like you would pay as a customer.  Recently there have been stories in the media that the justice systems of many states are charging user fees for judicial services.   Criminal defendants, not those yet found guilty of any crime,  are charged user fees for the use of a public defender, a right that has been guaranteed by the federal judicial system.   Convicts can be charged  user fees for their maintenance in jail.

What happens if you cannot pay your user fee for jail meals, bedding, toilet privileges, etc?  Well, you get sent to jail.   If you want to defend yourself and request a legal proceeding, that’s another user fee, which you will almost certainly not be able to afford, so you’ll spend more time in jail.  Does this sound like debtor prison?  Didn’t we do away with that a century or two ago?   Like retro clothing styles, maybe debtor prison is making a comeback.  I’m guessing the Liberals will not like this and Conservatives will.

And speaking of retro, here’s an idea.  Why don’t we have a Democracy Exercise User Fee?  If you wished to vote in an election, you would have to pay a user fee.  This should not be confused with a Poll Tax, which our PR staff has advised us has a nefarious history used to prevent poor black people from voting.    Currently we have a more subtle method, the use of onerous voter ID laws to prevent those folks from voting.   But if we have this user fee, we could not only raise revenue to help pay for elections, but we ensure that people who used Democracy Exercise services pay their fair share.

But wait, there’s more.  With all these people in jail for debt from their user fees, we’re going to have a labor shortage.  And we have a lot of kids who won’t be at school because their parents won’t be able to afford Educational Opportunity User Fee we can implement at what we now call public schools.   Kids will be great at these entry level jobs at fast food joints, grocery stores, and so forth.  Never mind that we’ll have a future undereducated labor force that will put our economy at a serious disadvantage in the international economy.  We can solve this with another user fee.  And please, please, please, don’t call this Child Labor.  We want to call it New Economy Internships.  And, if we’re really clever, we can add a New Economy Internship User Fee, so we won’t have to pay the kids.  Woof, that’s some serious capitalist new thinking!

And remember, you read it here first.



Karl Rove: Hillary Clinton is a Space Alien

In a shocking new revelation, Karl Rove announced today that Hillary Clinton is a space alien from a planet in the Crab Nebula that he declined to name.   He added that he had proof of this and will produce it at an appropriate time.    Explaining her long stay in hospital for a blood clot in December 2012 Rove said,  “Why that woman — and I use that term loosely — doesn’t have a drop of normal human blood in her body”.  He maintains that Ms. Clinton went into the hospital for for something akin to Kryptonite poisoning.  When asked which form of Kryptonite, Rove pointed to the Wikipedia article at

Rove continued, “Why doesn’t the liberal media tell us about the UFO near Benghazi, Lybia on the night before the attack on the US Consultate?  Why don’t they tell us that the very same UFO was spotted in Nigeria the day before the school girls were abducted by Boko Haram? Why doesn’t the liberal media tell us the Boko Haram is how you say Hillary Clinton virtually everywhere within light years of the Crab Nebula?   Why is there a decal of someone looking like Chelsea Clinton on the side of the UFO? And doesn’t anyone here except me detect the similarity between Clinton and Klingon?”

The Real Effect of Raising the Minimum Wage

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) said yesterday that the passage of the bill increasing the minimum wage from $7.25/hour to $10/hour would cost the country millions of jobs.  Your eager reporter went out to places where the minimum wage is paid to investigate this claim and would like to report that he may actually be correct.

I first went to a local fast food restaurant that advertises the Dollar Menu.  I approached many in the line and asked what their reaction would be if the restaurant were to increase its prices by 15% to 20% to accommodate the increases in wages.   Many customers said they would no longer dine there, but go to China for lunch because it was much cheaper and that they had better Egg Foo Young.  Others suggested that instead of fast food, they would go out to expensive foodie restaurants, because the price differential would no longer be so great.

Next I went to a large chain retail store where many employees are paid close to the minimum wage.  The manager opined that if they were forced to increase their wages to $10/hour, they would simply close all their stores in this country and move them to China.  He mentioned that since everything in the store was either made in China or assembled from products made in China, they would also save a bundle on shipping costs, and would have a much larger target audience.  He also said that they could then offer Egg Foo Young at the food counter in the store at a substantially reduced price.

I went to an office building where all the cleaning staff were paid minimum wage.  The owners of the building declared that if they were forced to pay the new $10 minimum wage, they would relocate the building to China to save on cleaning costs.  They added that since many of the employees went out to a Chinese restaurant for lunch anyway, most of them would either not notice the change or actually prefer it.  I did notice a number of half filled Egg Foo Young containers in the trash, adding credence to his claim.  

Lastly, I stopped several gardening crews in my neighborhood, asking the leaders what would happen to their business if the minimum wage went up to $10/hour.  They uniformly told me that their customers could no longer afford lawn care and would remove their grass to  use the space for chicken coops.  I was a bit puzzled by this and asked why chicken coops.  He replied that it due to increased price of eggs due to the demand for Egg Foo Young.

I guess Mitch is onto something.