Some imaginary statements from the usual suspects:
Wayne LaPierre: As CEO of the National Rifle Association, of course, I pray for the victims and their families. If only Texas had followed my advice and armed the teachers and students at our schools, this never would have happened. I’ve got a small fortune saved up and I’m willing to contribute to the Arm Our Teachers and Kids Foundation I’m setting up right now. I’m even willing to add some funds from the money they say I got from the NRA for my expenses under questionable circumstances. I call upon the parents at Sandy Hook CT Elementary School, Mary Stoneman Douglas HS in Parkland FL, Columbine High School in Littleton CO, and Virginia Tech University in Blacksburg VA to join in this noble endeavor that will protect our children, teachers, and our 2nd Amendment and Stand Your Ground rights.
Greg Abbott: As Governor of the Great State of Texas, one of the leaders in the 2nd Amendment Open Carry Movement, I’m sending my prayers and thoughts to the victims of the unfortunate event in Uvalde. My wife and I plan to send flowers and fruit baskets to the funerals of those who perished at the hands of a lunatic. I fail to see how stronger gun control laws favored by liberal elites would have prevented this unfortunate event.
Speaking off the record: Of course, stronger gun control laws would prevent some of these massacres, but you cannot expect me to say that in public and get reelected. And what would that do to my presidential ambitions? The real reason this happened is due to our loose borders, but you cannot expect me to say that in public or try to work with Democrats for realistic immigration reform. This is off the record, right?
The Previous President of the US: I was enjoying a round of golf at the world-famous Mar-a-Lago resort and needed to finish up the back nine before replying. You know they love me down here, more even than they loved me in New York. I told them that this would happen if the Democrats stole the election. And have you seen my poll numbers after each of these events? They’re very high, very high. I’m sure the shooter was a pimply kid from a liberal family that was a loser. Or maybe an immigrant from one of those shit-hole countries I spoke about. My family is from Germany, a great county just like Russia is with Putin. I know Putin very well. We get along great, but I always beat him in golf.
Kevin McCarthy: I cannot comment on this until I speak with the Rightful President of the US, who will tell me what I can and cannot say.
Notes From the Bozosphere 